But I never said why

And if I'm going to spill my guts in this forum, why not come completely clean?

Here are the things I think I know about myself:

I am prone to seasonal depression: nothing disabling, but it isn't pleasant and it makes winters particularly hard to get through.

It's me and I do these things, and it's the depression: I have some issues around food, money and home. (Translation: I eat to sedate myself, I purchase things in order to feel cared for, and we counted up last night, and I've moved 20 times in 28 years, resisting settling and then falling into pits of despair because I don't feel creatively engaged in making my dwelling a home!)

I'm at once relentlessly logical and pretty spotty on the cause/effect link.

I think I'm going through perimenopause.

I love my job and it irritates and angers me all at the same time.

And the thing I know about running is that there's a very direct connection between the effort put in and the results achieved. No, I won't be qualifying for Boston. But I'll be stronger, I'll be mentally tougher, and I'll go further if I train; and if I don't, those things just won't happen.

As for today? Well, I went to the gym, thundered on the elliptical for 15 minutes, had an "interesting" yoga class where it would seem that I'm fused in certain spots, and then ran 3.5 miles on the treadmill, doing slow 5 and 1s. No-one died, not even me. I went easy, I focused on being and staying relaxed, and I refused to push beyond what felt comfortable.

And this week's additional commitment? I'm going to write down what I eat.

So far...!

Re-hanging the bathroom door, with Robertson Davies

I just tried to re-hang the bathroom door, because it was no longer closing, and Brian confirmed last night that it's pulled off the top hinge.

I must say, it's a pain to do this by oneself: getting the "loose" door at the right height to match up with the hinge requires the use of props. Fortunately, "Tempest-Tost" was sitting beside my bed, and it proved the ideal thickness to prop up the door while I flailed away with the big Philips screwdriver. I was pleased with my cunning use of Canadian literature; sadly, it appears that the hinge has been bent and not amenable to being hammered in situ. So I'm not as smart as I'd hoped.

Ah, me.

On the other hand, I'm not in this for the short haul: I've decided that:

a. I'm here, in this body, on this planet for a while;

b. I'm here in this dwelling for a while;

c. Lots of options are open to me - and wouldn't I rather be the one choosing, where I do in fact have a choice?

So here's why I've started this little exercise:

While I was hanging upside down, trying to get the screws to seat, it occurred to me that I needed a short-term but audacious goal. And that making it public (even in this goofy forum) would help with accountability - sure, my goals might shift for all kinds of good reasons over time, but isn't it better to acknowledge the shifts and be caused to think them through? I say yes.

So here goes:

I want to run the Chicago Marathon on October 10, 2010.

I want to train for the race with care and with a commitment to learning more about my physical, mental and spiritual self along the way.

I want to weigh somewhere in the area of 150 pounds when I'm running Chicago, because I know that will help me train and run better, and put less of a load on my joints while doing so.

And there: it's out there. Now, off to the gym for some Hatha yoga and some time on the treadmill.

As Mr. Eager used to say, "It has begun."